The Sacrament of Marriage
Message of Welcome
The Pro-Cathedral of the Assumption welcomes you to our parish community as an engaged couple. As you prepare for your forthcoming wedding within our parish community, we trust that this will be another opportunity for you to grow spiritually and that you will want to celebrate your wedding in the presence of family, relatives, friends and fellow parishioners of our community.
The following information and guidelines is made available to you so that you may enter the Sacrament of Marriage more meaningfully. Parish procedures, resources available to assist you in planning your wedding ceremony, and general information regarding this sacrament within our parish is included.
Wedding Guidelines
We are happy that you are considering celebrating your marriage commitment with a church wedding. We know that planning a wedding is a major task, and that a lot is expected of you by your family, future in-laws, and friends. Please take the time to read these wedding guidelines which serve to clarify some church-related issues.
About the Sacrament of Marriage
Marriage is an "event of grace" in which God joins the lives of a man and a woman so intimately that they become "one body" (Mark 10: 8). It is a covenant with God, each other, and the Church community to be a sign of God's love. A covenant is a mutual pledge to be faithful in good times and in bad times, in sickness and in health, for better or worse, all the days of your lives. It does not itemize or spell out. It is open-ended.
The purpose of Christian marriage is two-fold: to grow in
love of one another and God, and to cooperate with God in bringing forth new
life. Both of these purposes involve a permanent commitment of unconditional
self-giving on the part of husband and wife.
Clearly, the Catholic Church takes the vow of marriage very
seriously. Marital love and fidelity create the context and the
environment into which children will be born and grow into responsible
Christian adulthood.
We believe that worshipping with our community regularly is an
indispensable part of preparation for the Sacrament of Marriage.
Our Parish Procedures
Once the decision to be married has been made, we ask that you
contact our parish priest to make an appointment to set a proposed date and
time for your wedding. The proposed date and time of your wedding
should be confirmed within six months to one year in advance of the proposed
date.
Marriage preparation is strongly encouraged and recommended for all
couples preparing for the celebration of the Sacrament of Marriage.
The regional church offers a program of marriage preparation. You can find
out when the next session is taking place by calling the Catholic Centre at
474-8972. Do not wait too long to call as sessions are limited in size and
fill up fast.
After the wedding date has been confirmed, you are required to
attend several meetings. At your meeting with one of our priests or
deacons, the following will take place:
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general introduction and sharing expectations for your marriage and wedding.
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a premarital investigation which is simply an interview required by church law. You should bring with you a recent copy of your Baptismal Certificate (not more than six months old) for our files.
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Approval for the music must be given by the Music Director prior to
printing of any programs or the finalizing of music plans. More
discussion on music can be found further on in this booklet.
Your final meeting is on the day of the wedding rehearsal (usually
the night before the wedding). This rehearsal is a brief run through
of your wedding so that on the "big day" you can relax and be comfortable and
pray. Please be sure to bring your marriage licence and any fees required to
the rehearsal. The rehearsal must begin and end on time. Please make sure
that all those involved are at the church for this rehearsal. Participants in
the rehearsal should be appropriately dressed for church. An atmosphere of
proper respect should be maintained which includes no chewing of gum, eating
or drinking.
At the rehearsal, those you have chosen to read the scriptures and
intercessions may practice using the microphone. It is also
recommended that your photographer, videographer or recorder come to the
rehearsal to be made aware of where they can perform their duties. Those you
have chosen for gift bearers, servers and Eucharistic Ministers (if not from
the Pro-Cathedral) must also come to the rehearsal. However, the rehearsal
night is not the time when the musicians rehearse or perform for the
wedding party. This is done well in advance of the wedding
day.
The entire group of attendants (bridesmaids and groomsmen) should be
actively involved in the liturgy by responding to the prayers and singing the
songs. They sit in front of everyone else and are very visible. They
are the "official" witnesses to the vows even though the entire assembly are
also witnesses.
The ushers (or groomsmen) are responsible for returning the
Cathedral to its clean condition after the ceremony. This includes
clearing away flower arrangements, making sure the pew decorations removed
and clearing the pews of any papers, programs or garbage.
Wedding Mass/Wedding Ceremony
Your wedding is a liturgical celebration. The marriage of two
practising Roman Catholics takes place within the celebration of the Mass as
both parties have a common bond in their belief in Christ's presence in the
Eucharist. When a Catholic marries a non-Catholic the wedding ceremony
normally takes place outside of Mass as there is not a "common" belief in the
Eucharistic presence.
A lot of people will be telling you that this is "your
wedding". That is true to an extent, but really, it is our wedding - a
sacrament with and celebration of this parish community. When you invite
someone to the Pro-Cathedral for your wedding, you are also inviting them to
come and pray with our community. Keep that in mind in your planning.
Everything in your wedding should be geared to having your guests fully
participate in the prayer and worship that day. Your wedding should have the
look and feel of the way we pray here at the
Pro-Cathedral:
1) People should be made to feel welcome.
2) The Scriptures should be proclaimed clearly and with
meaning.
3) The music should encourage everyone to pray and
sing.
4) The environment (flowers, decorations, etc.) should help
people focus on God's presence in the Word, the Eucharist and in you; it
should not be a distraction or an attempt to create an alternate space.
Please inform us of your plans for floral arrangements.
From the minute you announce your plans to be married, many people
will try to talk you into a lot of things "you simply must have, or must do"
for the wedding. Please be careful! Don't do anything or buy anything
that doesn't make sense to you. If they say "It's a tradition!" please ask
"What does it mean?"
Part of the wedding celebration is the observance of wedding
traditions. Some of these traditions are, and can be very meaningful
and thus very beautiful. Some of them, however, don't mean much anymore. We
offer some suggestions to you which we feel are meaningful variations on some
old wedding themes. You might enjoy taking a fresh look at some old wedding
customs.
The tradition that the groom shouldn't see the bride before
the wedding is an old one which was based on
superstition. At some weddings, the bride and groom now stand at the
front door of the church and greet their guests. This can make everyone feel
welcome.
The tradition of the father "giving away" the
bride comes from a time when the father delivered the
bride to seal the deal with the dowry. It is now a good idea to
include the parents of both the bride and the groom in the processions. This
makes a nice procession and is more in keeping with a church service. It also
acknowledges the mother and father of both the bride and
groom.
Aisle runners made sense in the day when
streets were not paved and aisles were not carpeted. All avenues
around the Pro-Cathedral are paved and we do have carpeting. For these
reasons, as well as their being an issue of safety, we do not allow aisle
runners.
Rice, confetti, and bird seed: Since we
have no maintenance personnel on Saturdays, there is no one to clean up
before the Saturday evening liturgy.
Your wedding program or leaflet should reflect proper titles and references. Please let the priest or deacon or the Music Director see your program prior to its being printed. Copyright laws dictate proper citation of all texts and the Pro-Cathedral and its staff are subject to these regulations.
Planning Your Wedding Liturgy
Confession/Sacrament of
Reconciliation
Since marriage is a change of life-style, it is highly recommended
that Catholics prepare for this change by celebrating the Sacrament of
Reconciliation prior to their wedding ceremony. The sacrament is
available at the Pro-Cathedral every Saturday from 4:00 pm until 4:45 pm or
by individual appointment with a priest at the rectory by calling the parish
office at 472-3970.
The Ceremony
A wedding is a gracious function in the life of the parish community
and its members. It is also a special moment in our lives here at the
Pro-Cathedral. As part of your formal marriage preparation program, you will
be given the book "Together for Life' to help you plan a meaningful marriage
celebration. This book discusses the various wedding traditions and contains
the Scripture readings, prayers and wedding vows used at marriage
celebrations in the church. The Priest or Deacon will review the book with
you in helping plan your wedding ceremony.
There are several ministries involved in your wedding
ceremony. The Presider is either a priest or deacon and is the one who
celebrates the ceremony. The Cantor is the leader of song for the assembled
community (your guests). He or she does not have to be from the Pro-Cathedral
but those from outside parishes must be Cantors in their churches and must
meet with our Music Director well in advance of the wedding
day.
The Soloist sings songs that the congregation does not (at limited
points throughout the ceremony). In some cases, the Cantor and Soloist
can be the same person.
The Organist, Guitarist and or Instrumentalists provide the
instrumental music throughout the ceremony and accompany the Cantor, the
Soloist and the Assembly. A Guitarist and other Instrumentalists for
the parish are also available. Our Music Director can assist you with this.
Only Organists on staff at the Pro-Cathedral are permitted to use the pipe
organ.
The Altar Servers (Ministers of the Altar) assist the Presider in
his duties. Servers from outside the Pro-Cathedral are permitted, but
must attend the rehearsal.
Eucharistic Ministers assist the Priest in the distribution of
Communion. If you are anticipating a crowd of over 100 guests, please
let us know so that we can schedule one of our Eucharistic Ministers. We also
would like to encourage reception of Communion under both forms: the Body and
Blood of Christ. If you have family members and friends who are Eucharistic
Ministers, let the Presider know during your planning so that they can help
out with Communion.
Fees for the Wedding
There are costs involved in ensuring that your celebration takes
place in a clean, safe building and that those involved provide a quality
service. There is a basic fee required by Diocesan Policy for
this purpose. The celebrant of your wedding will let you know what the
basic fee is and you are asked to bring the fee to the first preparation
meeting between you and the celebrant.
In addition to the basic stipend, a second fee is charged for the
liturgical services provided. Under this category falls the fee for
our parish organist and cantor who will be present at the ceremony to provide
the worship music. Additional costs can be added should you require services
of a guitarist, brass player, additional vocalist, choir, etc. Please discuss
these fees with our Music Director. It is recommended that you pay the
above fees once your arrangements have been
finalized.
Cheques are to be made out to the Pro-Cathedral of the
Assumption.
Church Decorations
Please contact our Sacristan by calling the parish office at
472-3970 daily from Tuesday to Friday for all concerns and questions
regarding church decorations. It is best that you inform us of your
decoration plans well in advance of the wedding day. It would be helpful as
well, if we knew what time your flowers will be delivered and if you will be
leaving the flowers in the Cathedral or removing them to the reception.
If you choose to use ribbons or bows on the front pews, we have some
available. During certain times of the year, there will be large
banners in the Cathedral or the sanctuary may be decorated in colours
appropriate to the Liturgical Season. Banners and seasonal flowers and
decorations will not be removed for your wedding
celebration.
Our insurance company has asked that we refrain from using lighted
candles, lanterns, trellises or archways in close proximity to the general
public.
With respect to the fact that other services or weddings may be
taking place immediately prior to or immediately after your wedding, it is
important that all your decorations are easily removed on completion of the
ceremony.
In some cases, you have to be flexible in decorating the church
prior to your ceremony. For example, a funeral may be celebrated in
the Cathedral on the day of your ceremony with there being little time for
decorating for your celebration.
Photo and Video Guidelines
Photographs and videotapes serve as an attractive reminder of a
wedding. However, the taking of pictures and videos should not
interfere with the liturgy or with other church functions that take place in
the church before and after your wedding. Therefore, we ask that your
photographer or videographer be present for the rehearsal as the day of the
wedding is too busy for the presider to explain guidelines and answer
questions.
Male photographers and videographers must be dressed in a coat and
tie; females must be in similarly appropriate attire.
With the exception of the opening procession, they are restricted to
a designated area of the choir loft, the side of the nave and the rear of the
church. No furnishings or decorations are to be moved for the sake of
good pictures.
At the Pro-Cathedral, a wedding celebration is first and foremost a
spiritual event. Video and flash cameras detract from the spiritual
atmosphere. We work hard to bring together the spiritual elements which make
the wedding a truly memorable prayer event. Therefore, the photographers and
videographers should be almost invisible as they are recorders and not
participants. We ask that no studio light be set up at any time and no flash
pictures should be taken in the church during the ceremony.
Family and friends are to follow the same guidelines as your
professional photographer and videographer.
Should you desire, an opportunity for pictures can be during the
entrance procession, at the signing of the register, and during the
recessional. Consult the celebrant of your wedding to discuss the
other appropriate times during the marriage ceremony where pictures are
permitted.
Music Guidelines
Brides have approached Music Directors for years with the "perfect
music" for their weddings, often without considering the appropriateness of
the music for a liturgical celebration in a church. What has to be
kept in mind at all times when choosing music for a church service is that
any music used is for the worship of God and not for the entertainment of
those assembled. As a result of this requirement, the Bishops of Canada have
provided us with a set of guidelines to determine the suitability of music
for worship.
It is evident that secular or "popular" music is not be be used in
Roman Catholic Liturgy. This kind of music, no matter how good it is,
usually expresses love in a physical sense whereas Christian love songs speak
not only for the love of two people, but of God's love for those people and
all people. Popular songs are more suitable for the festivities which follow
the church service in the same way that Christian songs and hymns are more
suited to the event in the Church.
At the Pro-Cathedral, the Music Director is responsible for the
music at all our services and will assist you and coordinate the music
at your wedding service. The parish has several resident Organists who are
retained to play the pipe organ at all parish liturgies. These Organists are
the only persons permitted to use the organ at any liturgy or ceremony.
Recorded music, records and/or tapes of any kind are not appropriate as a
substitute for live music and are not permitted for the accompaniment of a
Singer or Instrumentalist prior, during or after a ceremony. Since your
wedding is a parish celebration, community singing is to be
encouraged.
The Prelude Music
We recommend that the music prior to the service (as the guests are
entering) be instrumental rather than using a Vocalist. The primary
reason for this is that this is a time of gathering. Old friends and
seldom-seen relatives greet each other which naturally leads to talking and
laughing. In recent weddings at the Pro-Cathedral we have found that when the
Vocalist started to sing, the talking grew louder and the vocalist could not
be heard. Vocal selections should be reserved for points during the ceremony
itself or the reception afterwards when they can be listened to and
appreciated more.
The Processional
This is the entrance music for the bridal party. Due to the
large size of our Cathedral, it is expected that this music is instrumental.
As the purpose of the music is to accompany the procession, it is necessary
that it stops once the procession has ended. Using vocal music at this time
is not practical as those assembled are watching the procession, taking
pictures and conversing. Since the music must stop as the procession ends,
any vocal song would be interrupted prematurely, thus leaving out important
texts.
The Gathering Song
(Optional)
Once the bride and groom have arrived at the altar, a regular
liturgy is about to take place. A Gathering Song or Hymn simply unites
the assembled guests and community into one frame of mind: we are here for
something important - a sacrament. This song should be familiar to the
assembly so that they can freely enter into the sung prayer. The music for
this song and all songs can be included in the wedding program or chosen from
the hymnal in the pews. As part of our music planning with you, we will
ensure that the proper copyright permission is
obtained.
Music Guidelines During the Liturgy of the Word
The Responsorial Psalm
The Psalm is an extension of your first reading from the old
Testament and is a Scriptural passage from the Book of Psalms, set to
music. It is called responsorial because it is a dialogue between the
Assembly and the Psalmist or Cantor. The Psalm is chosen by the Music
Director based on the readings and the Cantor that will be singing the Psalm.
The Gospel Acclamation
This is commonly refered to as the Gospel Alleluia - a shout of
praise just before the reading of the Gospel. This Acclamation is
chosen by the Music Director.
The Wedding Vows
There is no music required at this time.
Preparation of the Gifts
Following the General Intercessions the Assembly is seated while we
prepare for the Eucharistic Feast. At this time, all could sing a song
that has a reference to the Gospel. It is also possible for a Soloist to sing
an appropriate song.
Eucharistic Acclamations
This includes the "Holy, Holy", the "Memorial Acclamation" and the
"Great Amen". This is the heart of any Eucharistic celebration. Full
participation by the Assembly is paramount. These Acclamations are chosen by
the Music Director.
The Communion Song
One of the greatest unknowns at a wedding liturgy can be the number
of Catholics in attendance and how many will receive Communion. The
music at this time should be long enough to last for the entire distribution
of Communion. Our custom at the Pro-Cathedral is to use a repeatable refrain
that is led by the Cantor and easy for all to learn. The music must refer to
the Eucharist.
The Signing of the
Register
The new husband and wife along with the witnesses sign the church
register. At this time, many people find an opportunity to take
pictures. It is most appropriate that a Vocalist sing a selection at this
time. In the absence of a Vocalist, instrumental music will do quite
nicely.
An option available to you after the signing of the register,
is a closing hymn which can be sung by all. Again, it should be familiar so
that it can be sung with strength. It should be uplifting and send all forth
with a resolve to carry on with what we have just celebrated. The wedding
party would begin their exit at the end of this
song.
The Recessional
After the bride and groom are introduced to all present, the wedding
party exits the church to the recessional music. This is an
instrumental piece full of the joy of what we just done - the witnessing of
the beginning of something new.
Wedding Program Suggestions and
Guidelines
If you are having your program printed by a professional print shop,
your meeting with the Music Director will have to be scheduled early enough
to give you time to have it properly proofed. If you are printing one
yourself, blank wedding covers or other appropriate stationery can be found
at bookstores, Christian shops or office supply depots.
While it is recommended that you publish the music being used by the
assembly, care must be taken that the proper copyright permission is
obtained. The Pro-Cathedral has several copyright licenses which will
allow you to do this.
Remember that this program must be checked over and approved
by the Presider and the Music Director prior to its being
printed.
Questions & Answers - Addressing a Few
Concerns
Marrying a Non-Catholic
Marriages of Catholics with non-Catholics, commonly called "mixed marriages" or "inter-faith marriages" require special attention. Each party must appreciate the challenges and the responsibilities of the Catholic party in such a marriage.
In an "inter-faith marriage" the Catholic Party is asked to make a
Declaration of their Faith and a promise to do all in their power to share
this faith with their children and have them baptized Roman Catholics.
The non-Catholic party is informed of this, so that they are aware of the
responsibilities on the part of the Catholic Party in this
area.
Visiting Clergy
If the couple wishes to have a relative of the bride or groom, who
is a priest or deacon, to witness the marriage vows, the pastor must be
consulted before the visitor is asked to
participate. Please discuss this at your initial appointment with a
member of our clergy.
Marriage Licence
In the case of two Roman Catholics who are attending church
regularly (in one or two parishes) and living their faith according to the
teachings of the church, a Marriage Licence is done by way of Banns.
The Presider of your marriage will have these available to him through the
parish.
In all other cases the couple must obtain a Marriage Licence from
City Hall. The Marriage Licence should be brought to the parish office
as soon as it is obtained. In keeping with the law of this province, it will
be completed and forwarded to the Registrar General of Ontario after the
marriage has been celebrated.
When a Couple Do Not Attend Church
The following is a letter entitled "Dolores Curran Talks
With Parents."
"It remains a source of mystery and frustration to me why people
with little or no identification with the church for years, come to me
wanting a church wedding," a priest wrote to me. "If I ask them why, I
get the answer, "Well we've always wanted a church wedding." "If I push for
why, I get a number of inadequate reasons: "Our parents want us to be married
in a church." Or, "This is a pretty church for a wedding," or "We were
Baptized here and made our First Communion here." Or, "A church makes the
wedding pictures nicer."
His experience and feelings are almost universal among priests
who are constantly asked to perform Catholic weddings for people who no
longer practice - or perhaps believe in - the Catholic
faith.
Many of these priests feel used. "I feel like a physical part
of a wedding like the caterer or florist instead of the celebrant and witness
to a sacrament," a priest friend told me.
I share these clergy frustrations. Frequently I am
called by parents asking if I know of a priest who will perform a wedding
without requiring the pre-marriage preparation mandated in most
dioceses.
"If I knew of any, I wouldn't divulge them," I reply, "because the
best wedding gift you can give your children is this preparation. In
fact, many couples who go through it realize they aren't suited for each
other and separate instead of marrying. Better before the wedding than
after." It's not a popular reason with parents.
I don't understand why some parents are more interested in the
wedding than the marriage. The wedding is simply an event, a
beginning, while the marriage is a vocation and a life-time. A marriage
doesn't become sacred because it is held in a church. Church is not a
building but a community of believers. If one doesn't believe, one has little
reason for being married in a sacrament valued by
others.
Marriage in our church presumes that the couple has some affiliation
with the faith community and regularly gathers to hear the Word and break
Bread together. It presumes that the couple puts a value on the
sacramental covenant which suggests a high Christian commitment to one
another. It also presumes that this commitment in faith will continue after
the wedding day.
Why A Church Wedding
Then?
Not to impress others, or to please parents but to publicly proclaim
a faith that says God is an important part of your commitment and life
together. If this is absent, then a church wedding is meaningless. I
know that parents of nonbelieving children suffer at wedding time. Their
friends and relatives raise eyebrows and ask questions when they learn the
wedding isn't taking place in the family parish. It takes courage but I
suggest these parents show their respect for the sacrament by explaining,
"They aren't active Catholics and so we feel it is improper for them to be
married in a Mass. We are hoping that later on they will come to believe and
practice the faith they grew up in. Then we will have a wonderful church
wedding and you will be invited to celebrate with us."
Isn't that easier than explaining why non-believers are being
married in a church?
Common-Law Situations
For someone in a priest's position, common-law situations are often
difficult to deal with. Depending on the priest there may be many
different approaches. At the Pro-Cathedral, we have decided to deal with this
in the following way. The following letter was not written by a priest from
our diocese but certainly conveys the necessary
feeling.
A priest's letter to couples living
together.
Dear Friends,
You have asked me to witness your marriage and I am pleased that you
wish to be married in the church. But before I give you my answer, I
want to share a few thoughts with you.
I am sure you know that the church does not approve of your
living together before marriage. I hope you are not surprised that
I also disapprove of it. By asking me to witness your marriage with the usual
kind of wedding celebration, you are putting me in an awkward situation. If I
do witness the vows in a big celebration, I am giving tacit approval to your
present behaviour.
I would be treating you as I would treat a couple who has not been
living together. I am uncomfortable with that because I want to
encourage young people to live up to Catholic standards before
marriage.
Let me try to explain why I think what you are doing is
wrong. I don't want to talk just about the commandments, though I
belive that what you are doing is contrary to them. I would rather talk about
your relationship to the community.
By your living arrangements you are saying, quite publicly, that you
don't care very much what this community thinks. And yet now you come
to me, an official of the church community, and ask me to treat you in the
same way I would treat a couple who has respected the community's customs and
rules.
Putting it another way, you have been living as if married, in
effect saying to the community, to your friends and families, that you wish
to be treated as if married. But now you come and say you want to
be treated as unmarried and have a big celebration of the fact that you are
now marrying. There is some contradiction here and it puts me in a difficult
spot. If I say yes, I seem to be saying what you are doing is O.K. If I say
no, I am refusing to help you get back into the
community.
I think that living together and sexual relations prior to
marriage are wrong. Sexual relations are a sign and a symbol of a
total gift of one person to another. That total gift is made in the marriage
vows, when two people give themselves to each other publicly for life. To
engage in sexual relations before making that formal, public, permanent gift
and commitment in marriage is to falsify the sacred symbol that sexual
intercouse is. It is to give yourself in this act that symbolizes total
giving but with the idea that it can be taken
back.
God's laws regarding sexual behaviour are not whimsical or
arbitrary. They are guidelines to the sacred significance of
sexuality in our lives. They are directly opposed to the cheap, selfish, and
shallow view of sexuality that is found in much of our
culture.
I would be happy to witness your marriage in a simple, quiet
ceremony with two witnesses and perhaps immediate families. That is
what I would do if you had been married in a civil ceremony and now wish to
have the marriage validated in the Church. Since by your living together you
seem to be saying "We want to be like married people," I would be very happy
to treat you like married people and witness your vows simply and quietly.
Another possible solution might be for you to live separately
from now until marriage. That would be a public statement to your
family and friends, and to me that you are trying to live your courtship in a
Catholic way.
I hope you will think about these things. I also hope you
will come to see me again and that we can work out some way that will allow
me to witness your marriage.
I am happy that you love each other, and that you wish to
marry. I hope we can work out the difficulties that I have with
your present living arrangements.
I hope to hear from you soon.
by Thomas E. Kramer
